Splatterhouse is a pretty janky reboot to the hyper-violent arcade games, rebuilt as a character action romp in the vein of God of War. That comparison is extremely charitable, but it should put you in my state of mind — usually in these action games, you get to fight the final boss. Not so in Splatterhouse. Your nemesis constructs a massive monstrosity that slowly stomps across the field, approaching the ritual site where your girlfriend is tied up.
Instead of fighting this towering beast, you’re forced to run around its ankles, defeating the random enemies it spawns. This is a boss fight in name only. You’ll have to defend your girlfriend, then perform a few simple QTEs to bring the big giant bad guy down. I guess if I have to praise anything, at least the final boss model appeared in more than a cutscene. It kind of lumbers around. That’s something!
Shub-Niggurath [Quake 1]
I almost put the Spider Mastermind on this list — the final boss of the first DOOM is pretty pathetic, especially because he’s easier than the previous big boss we all remember, the Cyberdemon. Both of those bosses have been rebooted and improved, but poor Shub-Niggurath doesn’t get any love. The final boss of Quake is a joke. It’s a twisting mass of flesh that you telefrag for an instakill.
In a game that’s all about shooting monsters, you’d think the final battle would be the culmination of all the skills you’ve learned. Instead, this is a puzzle boss. Wait for the weird teleport icon to zip through the body of the evil god, and step into a portal. If you know what to do, this fight is over in seconds. If you don’t, you’ll just shoot uselessly at the boss. Shooting game bosses should be shot to death, not puzzled! This nonsense must be shamed with a spot on our list.
Discover more disappointing, dreary, and just plain lame final bosses on the next page.