An Open Letter to Irrational Games In Regards To Bioshock: Infinite

Dear Irrational Games,

I'm super depressed and it's your fault. Oh I've tried watching Meet Me In St. Louis until my eyes and ears bleed, replaying the first and second Bioshocks, staring at this picture for a really long time, and sobbing through all 800 seasons of the Gilmore Girls (fine, okay, I was doing that anyway). NOTHING IS WORKING.

I'm only going to ask this once and then you'll never hear another peep from me, I swear.

Am… am I going to die before Bioshock: Infinite is released? Because frankly, I am terrified this is going to happen and really, you've given me no reason to believe otherwise. Your vague "sometime in 2012" Wikipedia date, your Ken Levine teaser-y interviews detailing the Columbia warship/expo city back story, the musically moving but not really anything new video shown at the VGA's. the silence at the other end of my midnight phone calls: It's all so much ashes. ASHES YOU MONSTERS.

Is this a game to you? I mean, yes it is obviously but really are you toying with my affections just because you can? Or is there something more sinister at work here? A giant trolling of my emotions and the emotions of all Bioshock fans everywhere? Maybe…maybe the game will never be released and this is all a fever dream. I can almost convince myself of that especially after re-watching the E3 Gameplay Demo and the impossibly beautiful Columbia sailing through the sky like a steamy potato ship but uh… way prettier. And yet another young girl whose life hinges on my ability to adapt to a world so fantastic it makes my mind explode into a billion little plasmid pieces. And the "me" in the game is a goddamn Pinkerton agent and ever since Deadwood I've been obsessed with Pinkerton agents and how did you know that? HOW? Have you been reading my diary because if you had you, Irrational Games, would know I plan on murdering myself on July 5, 2012* so you have until the 4th of motherfucking July (HOW IS THAT FOR JINGOISM EH?) to release your goddamn miraculous game.

Can you live with my Bioshock-less death on your hands? NO? Well then please get with the releasing. Thank you.

Dirigible-y,

Kiala

*Not really. I think a new Real Housewives airs that day so I'll probably just eat some popcorn and stay alive.