2. If you're reading this, I hope you've already pre-ordered…
…Because if you haven't, sorry bud – you're missing out on content forever. Just so I'm being clear, this should also read “I hope you've already pre-ordered the same game from five different retailers”. But I'm sure it's no big deal. Videogames are the exclusive pastime of the world's 12 richest families, so you can keep your kidneys, m'lord.
Oh, wait. It's not? You mean, the commoners can play videogames too!? My word! How can they afford all this juicy, pre-order exclusive content!? There goes Xbox Live!
Yes, in what is, according to this list, the second-shittiest retail practice in the videogames industry, you have to pay full price for a game before you even know if it's worth a warmed over piece of shit. If you don't, you're locked out of in-game content that will forever take up space on the disc, taunting you, laughing at your shortcomings, teasing you about peeing yourself that one time.
We've all tasted the bitterness of a game that is awesome in previews, but is apparently held together by little pieces of string, duct tape, and questionable intentions when it finally hits your hot little hands. I fully admit that I was duped by Hellgate: London. My willful ignorance continued all the way through the beta, when half the game's environments were textured by pictures of Bill Roper shrugging at me, confused as to what I saw in his game. I knew you'd get an innumerable quantity of bugs fixed within two weeks, Mr. Roper. Well, that is, if numbers went high enough to count them all.
But my point is, I had to get in that goddamn beta. I had to see what the game was like, because I knew, based on absolutely nothing, that it was going to be worth it! So, I slapped down $50 on a pre-order for the game to insert myself in the pre-release testing.
And it worked out awesome! LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
