I always try to finish games. Even if it takes months and months, even if I don't like the game initially, even if I have a ton of other stuff to do, I always try to come back and finish. I've had to let more games than I care to admit go unfinished in more recent times, and though it makes me a bit sad in most cases, there are a few for which I feel no remorse whatsoever.
Sometimes they are just bad games, but more than likely, there are merely bad elements to the game that make it unplayable. The criteria for this vary from gamer to gamer, of course, but for me, one of the deciding factors has always been bad protagonists, specifically annoying ones. Though an irritating lead character isn't always a total dealbreaker, and I did finish most of the games in which the characters mentioned below are found, I don't think that any gamer should feel obligated to finish a game where he or she is forced to play as, or deal with a whiner or a jerk.
After all, one of the main reasons we play games is because we get to be someone else for a little while, and take on that person's life and relationships. There's no point to this if the experience is tainted by an irritating buzzkill from whom there's no escape. Some of these characters I hated on the spot, and some I had to get to know a bit in order to understand why they bothered me. Some were annoying because they fell short of their potential, while others were just straight-up sucky. In any case, here are my top 5 picks for the most annoying videogame protagonists of all time, with one special speculative winner thrown in for good measure.
Ashley Graham from "Resident Evil 4"
Even though most presidents' daughters in real life seem to be able at least pretend to be gracious and decent human beings, such is not the case with Ashley Graham. When she is kidnapped, the player takes the role of Leon Kennedy, and must locate and retrieve her.
The plot thickens, of course, when Kennedy tracks Ashley to rural Spain, and discovers that both he and Ashley have been infected with Plaga parasites that will gradually turn them into weird cult members. The sad part is that many players report actually wishing that Ashley's parasite not be removed, because maybe it would be an improvement over her natural spoiled persona.
To be fair, she does show some bravery some times, but only when it's inconvenient to gameplay. She's quite keen to put herself in harm's way when it will make things more difficult for Kennedy, but anytime he needs her to be able to take care of herself for a few moments, she's either complaining or being abducted again.
On the whole, Ashley isn't the worst ever. But she could definitely be a lot more likable, not to mention capable and consistent. For all the nightmarish situations she's been through, it makes no sense that she's bent out of shape about landing on her butt in a pile of rubbish. However, Ashley then goes on to perform freaky parasite-removal neck surgery on Kennedy, only to sit through the same procedure herself without batting an eye. Her personality seems to flip-flop dangerously, as though she's not entire in control of herself. Always a delightful quality in a spoiled rich girl with entitlement issues.
However, she's not so loathsome that you don't feel slightly bad for her when, in the final moments of the game, she propositions Kennedy only to be politely shot down. Poor Ashley.
Nier from "Nier"
Sigh. It's not that he isn't noble, or nimble, or a skilled fighter, because "Nier"'s protagonist (who we can only assume is the game's namesake, since it doesn't really say otherwise, and the literature associated with the game mostly refers to him as "the father") is arguably all of these things.
Because the game combines various aspects of different genres under what is largely an RPG, the technical specifications of a successful protagonist are put to the test. Nier has a few jump puzzles and some platforming to do, as well as some running away, and the occasional ridiculous fishing quest. Dexterity, speed and ease of movement are a must, and in these categories, I have no complaints.
Nier is also a reasonably decent fighter. Upgrading his weapons is kind of a pain–the ability to have upgrades comes only after logging quite a few hours, and even then, the raw materials must be sought during repeated grind sessions, because they cannot be easily obtained during what one might call "natural gameplay", meaning that the player allows the game to unfold as it may, without any conscious effort towards level grinding. Even so, some of us who are used to the grind have come to actually enjoy it, or at least begrudgingly respect it. No complaints in the combat department, either.
And finally, Nier is noble. His daughter, Yonah, is sick with a mysterious ailment set upon her with dark magic, and Nier will stop at nothing to save her. It is probably no less than any dedicated dad would do for his child. But perhaps here is where the annoying part begins. I know it sounds terrible to be annoyed by fatherly devotion. However, Nier is just so serious about it that there's barely a drop of humor to his entire persona. The one exception is when he encounters Kainé and comments on her outfit, an ensemble so ridiculously ill-suited to killing monsters that it would be unlikely to escape comment from any being capable of direct visual input to the brain.
Though many characters are annoying because they crack bad jokes or are obscenely chipper (Navi, we both know I am talking about you, here), Nier is annoying because he has no sense of humor or good cheer whatsoever. He's so surly and minimal with his self-expression he makes any Clint Eastwood character look like Dr. Rockzo. The person who must suffer the most as a result of this, though is Yonah. It must be downright excruciating to be this guy's teenage daughter, wizard lupus or not. I pity the village lad that tries to take Yonah on a date someday (provided she survives).
So Nier, for the good of yourself, your daughter, and the gamers who stick with you: Lighten up, buddy! Laughter is the best medicine. I mean, keep your eyes on the prize and all that, but this is a Square Enix title, which means it has approximately 5 years of gameplay. You're going to need to crack a smile every now and then if you want to make it through.
Samus Aran (But only in "Metroid: Other M")
I was conflicted over this entry, because Samus in general is a solid character and one of my favorites. She usually manages to be a total butt-kicking badass without being overly sexualized, or playing some magic-wielding back-up bimbo to a dude who has twice as many hit points and hogs all the melee attacks.
However, Samus Aran's portrayal in "Metroid: Other M" felt more like a betrayal to loyal fans of the Metroid series. First of all, it was weird to hear her talking. Samus was always a silent protagonist, which had the effect of reinforcing her autonomous, taciturn nature. If she did speak at all, it was usually communicated in text, and I realize that this is largely due to game technology being what it was at the time each game was made, but I am also of the opinion an established and beloved character should not be messed with just because the audio capabilities are much better than they used to be. Or at least, if a formerly silent protagonist is going to talk, let the dialogue remain true to the nature of the character.
Which brings me to my other beef with Samus. What the hell was up with her obedience to Adam Malkovich? Maybe she has some remorse for bailing on the Federation Army, but Malkovich treats her like some kind of incompetent child, insisting on her utter subordination, and refusing to allow her to use any weapons or armor until she has proven herself loyal.
The Samus I know and love would have silently made an obscene gesture and strode off to go fight aliens, leaving unsaid the obvious: "I'm going to go get this done, or die trying, and I don't care if you idiots join me or not". Instead, she bows to Malkovich's will. Adding insult to injury, after Samus saves his ass (and/or the collective ass of his crew) numerous times, Malkovich decides to allow her to join them. However, rather than let her use all her stuff, which would provide the greatest advantage to all involved since the space monsters are obviously not screwing around, he slowly authorizes her to use one new piece of gear at a time, under the guise of "It's too dangerous until I know I can trust you".
This is, of course, just a bullshit means of imposing control. It's one thing to ask someone to check her guns at the door, but another thing entirely to tell her she's not allowed to have her armor, either. Malkovich is on some kind of semi-sadistic power trip. There is absolutely no reason that any other protagonist in Samus' situation would agree to this, and one can't help but wonder if it's a wee bit of sexism on the part of the writers.
To make matters more ridiculous, while the scenario offered by Malkovich may seem utterly laughable to the rest of us (not to mention the fact that it makes gameplay very irritating, knowing that the damage taken by Samus could be easily reduced in many parts of the game), Samus eats it up, and goes on to behave as though she can't decide whether she wants Malkovich to be her boyfriend or her dad. Gross! Cliched! Out of character!
The Little Boy from "Limbo"
I confess, this nameless protagonist, to whom I will refer as "Limboy", is a difficult one to justify, for a number of reasons. First of all, Limbo is a fantastic game. It had some of the most creative physics-based puzzles the world has ever seen, the audio design was incredible, and the monochromatic visual concept was way more stunning than anyone could have guessed from merely hearing it described.
Secondly, Limboy doesn't actually do anything, other than what the player dictates, and is silent the entire time. In fact, the reason for his travels is never quite made clear in the game. Nor are the circumstances surrounding the traps and the weird, antagonistic dudes that seem to be responsible for setting them ever explained. It is implied that Limboy may have been looking for his sister, but even upon completion of the game, this is not explicitly specified.
On top of all that, the mechanism by which one figures out the traps and thus plays the game involves Limboy's death. Repeated, gruesome, painful death. To see what each puzzle does, the player must throw Limboy into known booby traps, each more lethal than the first. In order to get the timing just right for one perfect run-through, Limboy must suffer. And if the player is as clumsy with jump puzzles as I am, Limboy suffers a lot.
At first, I was hesitant to do this. I'm not a very maternal person as far as females go. I don't dislike children (well, some children) exactly, I'm just not that interested in having any of my own and being responsible for another human life. Just the same, I felt really awful every time I knowingly steered Limboy to his death, just to see what would happen. He was impaled by giant spider legs, squashed by all manner of weighted platforms, buzzed in half by table saws, and electrocuted in more ways than I can recount.
However, towards the second half of the game, I was a bit more slap-happy. The puzzles got much harder, the timing was trickier, and having to start each one over was more complicated. I found myself not feeling quite so timid about throwing Limboy into peril. I wouldn't say that I wanted him to suffer, exactly, but I no longer felt bad about it. The puzzles were harder, the controls more nuanced, and Limboy continued to say nothing. He reacted only by not reacting at all which, given the majority of the situations, was not even remotely realistic, based on what I know of actual children. I found, more and more, that I was not only flinging Limboy into peril for the sake of testing the puzzles, but also because I wanted to get some sort of response out of him. However, when I consciously realized that this was the case, I was deeply irritated with myself.
Maybe this game is called "Limbo" not because that is descriptive of the weird shadowland where it takes place, but because the player is initially forced to punish the protagonist repeatedly, only to gradually accept the mantle of punisher gladly. Perhaps there is a larger point about the nature of the human psyche to be made here, and "Limbo" is actually a great litmus test for villainous capacity. However, I was mostly just annoyed at being manipulated so subtly by a silly little dude, glowing eyeballs and all.
You win, Limboy. Well played.
Vanille – Final Fantasy XIII
Unlike some of the others, I should not even need to explain this one. My feelings on Vanille can be summed up in 4 letters: S, T, F, and U. I realize she may be trying to lighten the mood, but just NO.
Seriously. No, no, no. NO. *
*Disclosure notice: I did not finish the game**
**…because of Vanille
Potentially Awful Future Winner Bonus: Pit from "Kid Icarus: Uprising"
He's going to talk. We have here the silent protagonist problem again, and if the previews are any indication, it's going to be the worst one yet. I speak, gentle readers, of the singular phrase "Bark like a dog!" thrown out during combat in the sort of snotty, over-confident teenage boy voice that cause even the most steadfast Zack Morris fan to cringe in discomfiture. If this is the kind of thing that Pit says, I'd rather gouge out my own eyes with a Wii Remote than play this title.
It's too late to change anything, of course. The game is due out this summer. There is a small part of me that wants to think the reason that it has been delayed is because the decision to give Pit a bunch of soggy lines was retracted. That would be a small mercy. However, in light of this list, and the diamond-hard nugget of hatred that has taken up residence in my heart as a result of writing about Vanille, I do not have high hopes.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play some "Amnesia: The Dark Descent" to calm down.
