There's nothing like a good beatdown. I mean, sure, it's gratifying to execute a flawless headshot or pump some enemy full of crossbow bolts, but sometimes you need to get up in a monster's face and bash the ever-loving crap out of him (or her). Here are ten of the best blunt, sharp, or otherwise lethal objects for getting a variety of jobs done.
The Wrench – Bioshock
The Wrench is the only melee weapon in Bioshock, obtained right near the beginning, but it is of great use throughout the entire game. Though it can't be upgraded, the wrench can be used in conjunction with tonics that make it nearly unstoppable. When wielded properly, it can kill most enemies with a single blow (aside from the Big Daddies, of course). The downside of the wrench, though, is that it can also be the weakest weapon in the game, beyond a certain point. It all depends on the stealth, tonics, and tactics of the player.
The Black Lightsaber – Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Pretty much any lightsaber at all is pretty badass, and if you think otherwise, you must be a cynical bastard indeed, and I pity you. The business end is made of plasma, and held in the shape of a blade by the Force. The hilt is usually handmade by whoever is going to be using it. However, this particular lightsaber can only be acquired at a specific point in the game by successfully locating the black crystal. Perhaps it is intended to be a nod to the the Darksaber, stolen from the Jedi Temple before the fall of the Old Republic, and used by Pre Vizsla to duel Obi Wan on Concordia.
Chainsaw Paddle – Dead Rising 2
Dead Rising 2 is one of those instances where the sequel is way better than the original. Not that the original was bad, because it wasn't. In fact, the idea of synthesizing weapons out of found objects is probably a lot more realistic than most other Standard Zombie Apocalypse Scenario games would have us believe. Because let's face it, you're just not going to find that many rifles just lying around. Or pre-assembled pipe bombs. You're probably going to have to improvise, and that is probably going to involve a lot of duct tape, tools stolen from garages, and a fair amount of swinging about of random items to see if they'd actually work against a hoard of hungry zombies. So the idea of taking not one, but two chainsaws and strapping them to either side of a kayak paddle, in a crude parody of Darth Maul's double-sided lightsaber is totally brilliant, and whatever genius at Capcom thought that up deserves a cookie and a gold star.
Lead Pipe – River City Ransom
Of the weapons in this game, the lead pipe is easily the best. It deals more damage than the regular old stick, but still has decent speed and range when thrown. It's not quite so intense as the large implements, like the tire and the crate, but these are very slow. Ditto for the use of actual enemies as weapons against other enemies, though I was very tempted to put this on the list instead, on general principle. Beating a dude with another dude is just cool, but unfortunately not as utilitarian as a lead pipe. So, lead pipe it is.
Soul Edge – Soul Caliber Series
Impregnated with the hatred of bloodstained Inferno, Soul Edge taints the heart and mind of anyone who wields it. While it does give increased damage much of the time, it often depletes the health of the player using it with each blow. It is not easy to win a battle when fighting with Soul Edge, regardless of strength and conviction. Some characters even have tiny slivers of the Evil Sword lodged in their bodies,
Blades of Athena – God of War Series
So, here's the thing. Kratos goes through an awful lot of blades. Aside from the fact that he's generally pretty hard on his weapons, he tends to have beef with some of the folks from whom he got the blades, and for whatever reason, this almost always results in blade destruction or degradation of some kind. The Blades of Chaos, originally a "gift" from Ares (and I put that in sarcasm quotes because having swords on chains that are ingrown through the skin and grafted to the bone does not exactly seem like a gift card to Barnes & Noble. Ares was a notoriously terrible gifter, apparently. He was probably busy meting out justice and fury to be sentimental), were ripped from Kratos' arms (Ares again, not cool) as his godly powers were drained away. Luckily, Athena, goddess of wisdom (and also war, but I suspect she presides more over calculated strategy and less over berzerker combat tactics) hooked Kratos up with the humbly named Blades of Athena, which initially appeared to be identical to the Blades of Chaos, but actually turned out to be much more awesome. Until they're destroyed and subsequently replaced with the Blades of Exile.
Crowbar from Half Life
Ah, the humble crowbar. It is Gordon Freeman's first weapon in Half-Life, and in addition to being a great backup weapon, as it never runs out of ammo, it also functions endlessly as a tool (as one might expect). Particularly effective on headcrabs, using the crowbar on any type of the parasitical vermin amounts to "one hit and quit". Now, the crowbar might not help Gordon at a distance when Combine soldiers, Vortigaunts and grunts attack, but if he can manage to get close to them, repeated bashes with the crowbar will actually temporarily disable these enemies' melee attack capabilities. Now this is not a good plan if there are a lot of them, but if it's just one or two, and you're stuck, it can work. Or, just get a headcrab. I hear that once they take over, it's just like living inside the Matrix.
Shishkebab – Fallout 3
Not only is the Shishkebab a flaming sword, but it's one that you had to build yourself. Fire damage and maker cred in the same weapon! It's comprised of the gas tank and handbrake of a motorcycle, an ignition, and a lawnmower blade, which is lightly coated in fuel, so as to burn brightly and incite fear into enemies' hearts. There's also some melee damage on top of the fire damage, making this a pretty effective device, although one has to wonder about the practical mobility of a motorcycle gas tank strapped to one's back. But perhaps it would offer a degree of protection in the physical world. Not that any of us would probably be setting fire to giant ants with flaming swords in the physical world, but you never know. We have bacteria that eats arsenic, enough nuclear weapons to destroy the world multiple times, and Keith Richards, so really huge insects might not be that far-fetched.
Breath of the Dying – Diablo II
Made of six runes, Vex, El, Eld, Hel, Zod and Eth, and requiring a melee weapon with six sockets, this is technically more of an enhancement than a weapon itself. However, it's my list. the enhancements are arguably the best way to make memorable weapons in D2. I mean, you can score some decent stuff from Baal runs, you can offer to rush lower level people in exchange for their Hellforge drop, but adding this runeword to whatever you're using to beat the tar out of demons makes you the ultimate dealer of death, particularly if it's an ethereal weapon.
"Ethereal?", you may find yourself saying. "But isn't that a waste of a good runeword? Everyone knows that ethereal weapons degrade and can't be repaired!" And you would not be wrong. Except that on top of the 50% chance to cast Poison Nova, +200% damage to the undead, mana stealing, +30 to all attributes, and way too much other stuff to mention, the Breath of the Dying runeword also makes your weapon indestructible. So if you go with an ethereal weapon, you actually get to make the most out of your maximum damage. Hit the Prime Evils where it hurts.
Katamari – Katamari Damacy
Yeah, like I said, it's my list. Perhaps it's not the most realistic in terms of violence. After all, rolling a giant ball over Japanese school children seems like it would be a lot messier. And you can't even get to them at first, because you have to pick up a bunch of crap that your father, the King of the Cosmos, scattered around the house and yard in order to build your katamari to an adequate size. However, once that ball is rolling, it's hard not to admire the sheer efficiency with which you can bowl people over. In the town, the zoo, under the sea, doesn't matter. I once had a juggling clown ride on top of my katamari for several minutes. Until I crashed his ass into a tree and made him a permanent part of Bratty Star (final size: 15 m, which is never big enough for dear old dad). Of all the weapons listed here, the katamari is the only one capable of taking out entire buildings, and even land masses, depending on which version you're playing. In my humble opinion, that sort of trumps a bunch of zombies and monsters. Sorry, but it does. End of story. Let's roll.
