A Girl’s Guide to Call of Duty: Black Ops II — What You Need to Know Because You Are a Moronic Female

As your boyfriend probably told you, Call of Duty: Black Ops II will have women in it. And you, dutiful girlfriend, will be required to play it even though (as previously mentioned) there will be boobs all over the place which automatically makes it like 1000 times more dumb than the dumbest thing that was ever dumb and also tampons. Gross. ANYWAY. You hate FPS's (because you are a lady and therefore totally the worst) and you've never even read well…anything ever so this is going to come as quite a shock to you. And by this, I mean thinking. (Of course, that's not a slight against the girls who actually do read books and/or think — i.e. MEN — but for this, let's just go with the stock view of ladies because sexism!)

So, there's no need to fret. Beyond the fact that Call of Duty is played by women constantly around the world all the fucking time even though their periods make it impossible to shoot straight, we've created a streamlined girl's guide to ward off any confusion or mid game not doing the sex on you. That would be TERRIBLE. This guide should help stop that. That's why we made a guide, see? To help.

But hopefully you gals will still give men all the blowjobs anyway because why else would anyone put up with chicks? So! Don't worry your pretty little lady heads about figuring out the scary, complicated world of Call of Duty because we're here to explain it so women can go back to poking holes in condoms and tricking dudes into thinking they actually like things that are good and not stupid like everything else girls like. Mostly shoe hats or leg pants or whatever the hell. Girls. So stupid, amirite?

1. Don't use that gun. Use the other one. The one I tell you to use.

2. Black Ops stands for Black OPERATIONS. Get your head out of your vagina. Geez.

3. Give me back the controller. God. Now sit and watch me play for 3 hours. That's fun, right? It's almost participating! Just like doing the sex.

Hope this was super helpful!

(For the purposes of this post I pretended to be a man. I'm assuming this means I will get paid 30% more for it. GET IT.)