What to Expect From Mass Effect 3 If You (Like Me) Never Finished Mass Effect 2

I think the exact moment I quit Mass Effect 2 (metaphorically speaking – I may have continued to play for months after but I have very little memory of it) was directly following a four hour long, shame filled, frustratingly futile attempt to get Morinth to take me back to her space apartment. At first it was kind of funny when my in game life mirrored my early twenties social life ( I WAS VERY SHY) but after about 45 minutes it was the opposite of funny and coupled with my complete lack of sexy game where Jack and Miranda were concerned, my ME2 experience quickly turned into a nightmare of junior high proportions*.

So yeah, I totally checked out of the Normandy after that (not to mention the whole repetitive dicking around on the team murder power wheel gets old after 30 or so super easy Geth Deaths in the original ME). Now we're about a month away from Masse Effecte: Thee Thirde and I feel completely in the dark about where my Lady Jane Shepard ended up and what happened to Seth Green and those bug collectors or whatever and did I ever get laid. So here's a quick breakdown of what I have decided will happen in this next, highly anticipated installment of Mass Effect: Overload Everything Ever If You Want To Live:

• The Geth are actually a super race of protonerds, powered by rage and intellect, created by the Illusive Man in an attempt to seduce EDI the Normandy's AI.  You get to have all the romances with them because…nerds are sexy. Duh.
• An Omega 5 relay.
• Preparations to launch a probe. An actual launch of said probe. Confirmation that this probe was launched.
• So many ores you guys omg. Just so many.
• Miranda and Joker get into a deadly argument concerning the etymology of "elusive" versus "illusive". It's pretty boring.
• Elevator cut scenes. Because they were so missed in the second game.
• Same goes for the surface rovers. (Actually, I did kind of like those).
• DLC of a Shepard on Shepard mission (yes, they get to do it).
• Space herpes.

There you go. Now you're all caught up.

*I still love Mass Effect in all its incarnations despite everything I just said. I'm a complicated human being.