Mass Effect 3: Downtime on the Normandy

Sometimes (especially towards the beginning of Mass Effect 3) Commander Shepard goes on quick little missions – the equivalent of running to the corner store to get diet coke which oh god I would like to do right now but diet coke is an evil reaper of health just like regular reapers but with a more burn-y mouth and throat feel and less earth children murder.

Anyway, when Shepard leaves the Normandy to wander around the universe, collecting all the ores or whatever and only takes Liara and Kaidan with her because ores—what happens on the ship while she's gone? Is it like when your job has an all day management meeting and it feels like an in-office holiday? Does Joker crawl up inside the ship and go fetal while sucking some cables because I think he does. He loves the Normandy so creepy. Creepy love. Anyway, what do they do while Shepard is fucking around in space? I have ideas. 

• Straight up sex pr0n (no convo trees). Conversation trees are a practical joke played on Shepard by the Illusive Man. No one else has to go through that bullshit to get stuff done. At first it amused him but now it makes him as annoyed and angry as it does everyone else playing Mass Effect 3. Especially when what comes out of Shepard's mouth is NOT AT ALL what you thought you chose to say. Okay that part probably still amuses Martin Sheen. But anyway everyone is doing it with everyone else without like…talking them into it over an 8 week period. It's like the 70's all the time up in there.
   
• Skyrim. Garrus is smelting and killing bards and talking to his Walrus Companion and Lydia and basically just relaxing, yo. Like so.
   
• 15 minute increments of jumping rope. It's called the "Fat Lee Adama Workout" and it's only effective if you live in space. 
   
• Sunday night television programming. I bet the Krogans are all about Girls and Mad Men because they're totally the 800th wave feminists of the ME3 universe. And they want to be pretty like Jon Hamm. We all want to pretty like Jon Hamm.
   
• Black Market toothbrush sales. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT THING? But also I want one because I worry about gum disease and I have no idea how many credits is 6000. 
   
• Your mom. Sorry.

image credit: "Mass Effect 3: How it should've ended" by Hellstrern at DeviantArt