Where should I put this Skyrim Dragon?

And I swear to Azura, if you guys say anything about my rectum I will put you in internet jail for making such a stupid, obvious joke. You guys. Geez.

So yeah, we have the Skyrim special edition plastic statue dragon thing and my husband keeps trying to put it on the fireplace mantle which… I mean… no. I love dragons. I like Skyrim. I always think it’s cool to have the collector’s edition because I’m a nerd. But let’s face it, this dragon-on-a-dragon language wall is no Portal bookend, is it?

As much as I think Alduin the World Eater is a probably a nice conversation piece, the statue is not made out of real stone or dragon gold or even something slightly less depressing than bleh-colored plastic. I don’t want to toot my own dark elf horn (NOT A THING), but I’m pretty sure given the correct bowl, potato, and butterfly wings I could have smelted a better dragon than this. I mean it’s made out of shitty gray, suicide making ugly PVC. It reminds me of sad basement offices and dark studio apartments with wall to wall carpet and tiny, dirty windows. This dragon makes me want to die and not in a fun, I can regenerate and continue smelting to my heart’s content kind of way is what I am saying.

At the moment, the dragon is on a lower shelf in an IKEA bookcase. I kind of shoved it way back in the cube so you can’t really see it. But it collects a lot of pet hair down there and also I’d like to put my ninety copies of Number of the Beast in that space. To be honest, I’d like to leave Alduin the World Eater on the curb with a free sign and a camera trained on it to see who picks the damn thing up.

Or maybe I could put it/him in the backyard as a folly. You know… like how hippy people do with old timey bathtubs and toilets. But I’m pretty sure it’s not sturdy enough for long term moss growth and dog pee. Wait a second—that’s actually not a bad idea. BRB Skyrim gardening.

Where did you guys put your dragons? In…in your rectums? Sorry.